i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
