im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
