So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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