Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
