She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
