Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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