Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
