you traded sex for a burrito?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
