I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
