Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
