you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
