I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
