I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
