I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
