found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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