Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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