the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
