Quick, to the slutcave!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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