i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
