I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
