My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
