it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
