Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
