Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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