I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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