six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
