Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
