omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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