Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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