As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You made out with two different species that night
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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