It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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