That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
