the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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