If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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