dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
