Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
