i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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