I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
