so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
