Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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