If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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