the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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