I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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