I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
