I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
