I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
