Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
