it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
