at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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