I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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