I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
